Topic: What if I'm bored at work

Post funny pictures / stories here. When you get bored at work just check this thread !

<wintellect> NetBSD users are smart enough to accept that there's no 3D support tongue

Re: What if I'm bored at work

Prolly known but nice smile

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The
doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never
felt better.

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do
you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter
and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he
was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane
instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver
sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang,
bang'.

Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds
into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

<wintellect> NetBSD users are smart enough to accept that there's no 3D support tongue

Re: What if I'm bored at work

lol  someone else put that bread in the oven!

Re: What if I'm bored at work

Poor old chap ...

------
A couple had only been married for two weeks, the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the
town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I

"I'm good. I'm high on the real thing.  Caffeine, nicotine, and of course, self help books."
- scottro

Re: What if I'm bored at work

ahahah this one is good !

<wintellect> NetBSD users are smart enough to accept that there's no 3D support tongue

Re: What if I'm bored at work

I'd BUY THAT FOR A DOLLAR!

The Al-ighty -Ollar?!?!? Hahaha I get it.

OK so, poppa tomato and mamma tomato are walking with baby tomato on a sidewalk.So baby tomato starts lagging behind and pappa tomato gets REALLY angry yikes and jumps on Baby Tomato and says

"CAT-CHUP!"

What did one fat girl say to the other fat girl?




who cares?!?! She's fat!

Re: What if I'm bored at work

I was in a tornado before, I was in my car and sky turned black and i saw stuff flying and a tree fell on my winshield and my other back windows broke

For example, Linux had at least two completely independent USB stacks before Linus Torvalds rejected them both and wrote a third one from scratch, after he found both existent Linux  stacks unsatisfactory.  (When pressed for an explanation as to why he selected the API he did, Torvalds stated: "because I wanted to."

Re: What if I'm bored at work

Wilford Brimley: Hi. I'm Wilford Brimley and I have Diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and I took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife's been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?!

Re: What if I'm bored at work

What did the guy octopus say to the girl octopus?

I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand.

That's corny, but a cute joke for a pickup line or to tell your wife next time you go to hold her hand.

Re: What if I'm bored at work

How to deal with Telesales


1. Use a husky, dirty phone sex voice but ask normal questions about the proposed offer.
"Is it a low interest rate ? mmmmm...I like low interest rates...really low..."

2. In an outrageously excited tone: "Thank god you called!!!" Explain
that an online psychic told you that your future lover would randomly call
disguised as an ars ehole.

3. Say you are hard of hearing and see how loud they will shout into the
phone.

4. Allow the telemarketer to fully explain his offer. When he is finished
explain that his company hired you to randomly spot check telemarketers
on their performance. Tell him that he did a good job overall, but that he is a
bit monotone and needs to fluctuate his tone of voice more to sound
convincing. He also should pause longer between sentences, and more clearly
pronounce the letter "s". Tell him you won't report him if he repeats his
speech to you with the appropriate corrections. Repeat.

5. Be incredibly polite as they explain their offer, but make farting
noises once in a while and ask whether there is something wrong with the
connection

6. In an annoyed tone cut the telemarketer off mid sentence : "Dan, stop
screwing around...we have to get rid of this body fast, did you find a
chainsaw or not?"

7. "Congratulations! You're the 100th caller on the (insert local radio
station) Sweet Vacation Giveaway Blast Marathon. You've just won a pair
of tickets to Negril, Jamaica and the use of Elton John's celebrity vacation
house." Take down her address and send her all of your Betterware catalogues
for the rest of your life...after you use them as liner for your cat's
litter box.

8. Flirt.

9. Keep repeating, "I knew you were going to say that..."

10. Stutter on a syllable of an obvious word in a sentence... see how
long it takes before he completes the phrase. When he does, get upset, and say
"That really hurts my fee...fee... fee... fee...feel...fee... fee... fee..."
ad infinitum.

11. Pee whilst on the phone while he's talking.

12. Mid pitch, stop him and complement him on his wonderful
voice. Explain that you are a voiceover scout and might have a breakthrough commercial
job for him. Ask if he wouldn't mind doing a quick test. Ask him to say in
a deep husky voice "May cause dizziness, diarrhea, vomiting and shortness
of breath. A small number of participants in a recent clinical trial
experienced weight loss, irregular clotting, abnormally frequent and/or
painful urination and hair loss. Results may vary"

13. Ask how much it would take to get him to stop working as a telemarketer.
Start at

"I'm good. I'm high on the real thing.  Caffeine, nicotine, and of course, self help books."
- scottro

Re: What if I'm bored at work

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

Last edited by illiterate (2006-06-29 22:47:52)

"I'm good. I'm high on the real thing.  Caffeine, nicotine, and of course, self help books."
- scottro

Re: What if I'm bored at work

Smart Answers

Smart Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat...she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Smart Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Smart Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart Answer #4
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low bridge ahead'. Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

and finally Smart #5,
THE TEACHER Smart-ass Answer OF THE YEAR A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When
silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.".

"I'm good. I'm high on the real thing.  Caffeine, nicotine, and of course, self help books."
- scottro

Re: What if I'm bored at work

www.wouldyoushagornot.com/
it is SFW

Re: What if I'm bored at work

The Giraffe Test, for all you clever geeks. smile




How smart are you? Try this test and see...

1.? How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.


2.? How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.


3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.? This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.


4.? There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.


According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

Last edited by illiterate (2006-08-11 13:24:25)

"I'm good. I'm high on the real thing.  Caffeine, nicotine, and of course, self help books."
- scottro

Re: What if I'm bored at work

http://img106.imageshack.us/img106/2434/pippin1rn5.jpg

For example, Linux had at least two completely independent USB stacks before Linus Torvalds rejected them both and wrote a third one from scratch, after he found both existent Linux  stacks unsatisfactory.  (When pressed for an explanation as to why he selected the API he did, Torvalds stated: "because I wanted to."

Re: What if I'm bored at work

http://viralblog.blogspot.com/2006/08/t … china.html

Thumb USB Drive bought in China
http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4787/233/400/pic09512.jpg

For example, Linux had at least two completely independent USB stacks before Linus Torvalds rejected them both and wrote a third one from scratch, after he found both existent Linux  stacks unsatisfactory.  (When pressed for an explanation as to why he selected the API he did, Torvalds stated: "because I wanted to."

Re: What if I'm bored at work

The things people do for money...

"UBER" means I don't drink the coffee... I chew the beans instead
             -- Copyright BSDnexus

Re: What if I'm bored at work

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out
across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She  steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten  feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again,  he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..




(Are you ready for this?)






(Are you sure?)





(This is bad!)




(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)





(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)





(You know you're gonna be sorry)





(Last chance)





(OK, here it is)



It says,


"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

"UBER" means I don't drink the coffee... I chew the beans instead
             -- Copyright BSDnexus

Re: What if I'm bored at work

big_smile

"I'm good. I'm high on the real thing.  Caffeine, nicotine, and of course, self help books."
- scottro

Re: What if I'm bored at work

illiterate wrote:

How to deal with Telesales


1. Use a husky, dirty phone sex voice but ask normal questions about the proposed offer.
"Is it a low interest rate ? mmmmm...I like low interest rates...really low..."

2. In an outrageously excited tone: "Thank god you called!!!" Explain
{SNIP}

Thankyou for tis, having obviously been on drugs when I wrote a piece of code that will NEVER work I needed a laugh, and this suitably annoyed wintellect as I sat here laughing

"My spelling is Wobbly.  It's good spelling but it Wobbles, and the letters  get in the wrong places." A. A. Milne (1882-1958)

Re: What if I'm bored at work

Ok, another blonde joke, you are warned in advance.

The blonde is stopped by a blonde cop.

The cop asks to see her license.  The blonde asks, "What does it look like?"
The cop says, "Well, it's square, and has your picture on it."

The blonde digs through her purse and pulls out her compact with built in mirror.  She opens it--it's square and there's her picture.

She hands it to the cop, who looks.  He says, "Oh, sorry, I didn't realize you were cop, go ahead."


Second one, from when I was on grand jury duty.  The final case (for those from other countries, grand jury duty is a bit different than normal jury duty--you go for half a day for a full month and there's almost no way to get out of it.)  So, the very last case we heard was almost comic relief.  Someone was driving a stolen car with a fake license.  When the arresting officer was asked for details of how he knew it was fake, he said, "Well, it was theoretically a license from Puerto Rico.  I'm Spanish, and have seen many of these.  They are in Spanish.  His was in English."

Sigh

<@andre> i would be so much more efficient if i wasn't so stupid

Re: What if I'm bored at work

Wintellect must have been bored at work as he was nicking MY sweets

http://www.ramsden.clara.co.uk/hidden/wintellect.jpg

"My spelling is Wobbly.  It's good spelling but it Wobbles, and the letters  get in the wrong places." A. A. Milne (1882-1958)

Re: What if I'm bored at work

And they tasted really good!!!

"UBER" means I don't drink the coffee... I chew the beans instead
             -- Copyright BSDnexus

Re: What if I'm bored at work

True, but short, story:

I'm making my rounds at the elementary school with a fistfull of repair tickets that need to be fixed.  I come upon one that says the teacher's monitor is broken and won't turn on.

Naturally, I interrupt the class full of crazy little kids and ask where the monitor was.  She points me over to the mini-lab of student machines.  I walk over, turn everything on, and everything works!

"Oh my God, you fixed it!"  she cried, "What was wrong with it?"

I'm confused and just replied, "I just turned it on."

"Oh, it was OFF?!"

"Yes."


Worst.  Ticket.  Ever.

May Science bless you.

Re: What if I'm bored at work

phi_ wrote:

"Oh my God, you fixed it!"  she cried, "What was wrong with it?"

I'm confused and just replied, "I just turned it on."

"Oh, it was OFF?!"

"Yes."

And she teaches??

"An educator never says what he himself thinks, but only that which he thinks it is good for those whom he is educating to hear."
-Nietzsche